Opposable Thumbs

So lately I’ve found a new way to express my depravity, and while it may seem miniscule in scope and consequence on the surface, it has both short term and long term consequences that play out quite terribly for God and my-self.  The sin is self-confidence.  And while I will defend to the death our necessity to have confidence in certain situations, and especially to be able to express ourselves to one another with assertion rather than aggression, the bottom line is that self-confidence is born of pride.  The only confidence we should have is in Christ, and we will get to that as I digress.

I will say that it has been nice being so confident in oneself for a change (as I feel I’m generally falling in and out of depression), but the reliance of sin for such a long season of my life makes two weeks of self-confidence kind of useless.  I know the passages that urge me to give myself to Jesus and to Jesus alone, but they aren’t really written on my heart.  So when push comes to shove, my thoughts dwell on how I can manufacture sin without being judged for it.  I really am only pushing the boundaries of sociopathy where my true desires come out in my anger.  In truth, I’m relying on myself and not on God, so I put life on hold so that I can try to enjoy a small pleasure which ultimately means nothing.

Abhorrent to the characteristics of a loving God who calls me to righteousness and faithfully walking according to His commandments my whole life (2 John 1:6), my heart has not grown accustomed to the ways of God as it has rested in the ways of man.  The more I try, the more I lose, and the more plain my depravity is made to me.  But how is it then possible to contain my pride as I put away all these detestable practices that I once journeyed so far in participation?  I’m so happy for my A in my class or my advanced knowledge or reasoning or keeping my room clean or knowledge of scripture when I must understand that these are not things to be proud of any more than I should be proud that I have eyesight or opposable thumbs!

Would I go around proclaiming to the world, “Look! My thumbs oppose my fingers! Isn’t that sooooo cool!!!??? I can pick stuff up with only one hand! Look at me and respect me for I am fortuitous and grandiose in scope and amazement because I have opposable thumbs!”  Yes, you’re right, it’s ridiculous.  And so it is also ridiculous to act out of a new life (that which is given by God, claimed for perfection by Christ, and upheld by His Holy Spirit) and to boast of such deeds.  So you’re living better than before, you should have been living that way all along!  Why suddenly is it important to boast?  To say I have done well or that I deserve praise for doing what I have been able to do all along—but have not done because of my love for disobedience and my hatred towards God—is absurd.

It is Christ who has done well for me and the Lord of Hosts who gives me strength to do well for Him.  So what have I to boast in if not in the cross?  In fact, what can I boast in that is not the cross?  My tears turn me inward, and lead me to desiring satisfaction.  I have no companion to uphold my heart and satisfy my soul, so I try to glean it from self satisfaction and people’s praise.  Then my identity begins to be made by my accomplishments and good deeds.  But do I not see that it is God who has given me good deeds to do?  More than that, that he has predestined my path to walk in the manner of His good works (Eph. 2:10)!  So when I am acting according to His grace, who should be praised?  And whose identity should I take?  What reason to boast have I except in the cross of Christ?  Shall I shout it to the heavens till it is understood by all mankind?  There is none that is worthy of boasting beyond the Cross.  And even that act of sacrifice has been gifted to me beyond my own power.  Just as I never made my thumbs, so could I not possibly imagine how to reconcile my blackened heart before a Holy and righteous God.

Indeed I have lasted these long years waiting to see myself grow up and now that it is happening, I cannot attribute such success to myself.  I can only attribute such growth to God alone.  Let me therefore not fight Him and stand before Him in pride, somehow convinced that I should be praised for my righteous deeds.  Rather than self-confidence, I desire humility to suffer the embodiment of a servant.  Lead me to the cross to commit myself to becoming more and more a living sacrifice so that as I grow into a mature man of God you might bring my heart before you as a failure.

Indeed I count my maturity and righteousness as Christ’s; from Whom it was born and to Whom it gives praise, yet I am no more than a failure in so far as my disobedience and pride has continued (and even will continue) for far too long.  For I have fallen prey to the temptations of this world and have been to God as a son of disobedience (Rom. 11).  Even still I fall and see the darkened wretches of a burning soul.  But alas my soul has been awoken from the darkness by a power no man could uphold.  As does the voice of the meekest branch singing praise to the Lord Almighty resound louder, more powerful, and more beautiful than the most grandiose of branches singing praise to itself, so too does the one who cries out in failure—far above the one who is proud in his successes, seeking consolation in his own achievements—find peace and consolation in the tender arms of the Lord.