Nevertheless, I have a laundry list of wants. And I'd say most of these things are noble wants. For example, I want to get married to the right girl and move out of my parents house one day. I want to be a good provider for my future family. I want to be able to take care of my parents and distant relatives and even fellow church members. I want the ability to donate to charity. I want my nieces to get a good education and follow Jesus Christ in how they live their lives. I want my sister to know the Lord.
And most of my friends would say: "This is an admirable list of things to want." But if I look around, they don't seem to be happening as quickly as I would (yes that's right) WANT them to. Alas the concept of being satisfied in something other than my wants becomes immediately essential. But then I must be able to differentiate. See there are some things that I have absolutely no control over. Like my sister accepting Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior is something I have zero control over. Then there are things that I have less control over. Like my niece's education. But then there are some things that God has given to me so that I might prosper them.
What a strange concept huh? I mean here we have the God of the universe who made everything and is in control of everything, and yet He charges us saying that "...we are God's workmanship created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which He has prepared beforehand that we might walk in them" (eph. 2:10). Well this is striking to me because according to this, God really does have an opinion of what I do with my life. Suddenly those things in life that I have some control over aren't optional, they are now ways in which I can worship, or deny worship to my Creator.
In the church we call this stewardship, and we often reference the parable of the talents (which is a great parable). But I have two rather depressing, yet eye-opening anecdotes to share that helped put this idea of making what God wants as most important in my life. The first example is analogous, and the second dealt directly with a certain issue.
First I was at work and the girls Mackenzie and Lacey (7 and 6 respectively) were there being 'watched' by those of us working, namely my aunt (their grandmother), my cousin (their mother), and me. Now I had already told them once to stop fighting, and I generally don't have to ask more than once, but sure enough about ten minutes later they were fighting again, and right in front of me. So I put them both on time out (btw, I've been instructed by one who shall remain nameless *cough*holly*cough* that time-out is not the best way to handle these situations, so I have a lot to learn, but I'm getting off topic) and they were none too happy about the whole thing. After time out was over I talked to them one at a time and had them tell me why they were on time out. Now Mackenzie was very good about the whole thing, telling me it was because they were fighting and that they're not supposed to fight, and she apologized to her sister. But when I went to talk to Lacey, she didn't want to discuss it (mind you Lacey is very shy). When I kept asking her she eventually told me that she can't stop fighting with her sister. I asked her why and she told me it's because she's been fighting with her sister all her life and there's no way that they'll ever stop. Well I told her how my sister and I don't fight any more and I said something very profound, yet very convicting. I said, "I know it's difficult and hard to see the end at times, but sooner or later you have to grow up."
As the last five words rolled off my tongue it hit me like a ton of bricks. I have to grow up. Ok, real deep, right? Well when you're 27, living at home, and struggling to make ends meet, something small like that can be pretty convicting. Especially when coupled with the second example which occurred only a few days earlier.
I was at dinner with my Aunt Charleen who is very old and has a difficult time moving around. She also has a hard time making friends so she is very lonely. On top of this, she's very emotional and is constantly having anxiety attacks about her "immanent" death. Well she was asking me about school and where I would transfer and the talk moved to me moving out of state to study (as this is something my dad has been encouraging me to look into). But as soon as I said that, she immediately said "No!" And proceeded to start crying saying "You can't leave me."
Now maybe I'm just a sap, maybe I feel bad because her husband died many years ago and she's been a widow for some time. Maybe I feel bad because her brother and best friend, my Uncle Bob, died only a year and a half ago. Or maybe, maybe I'm just growing up and starting to see what life is from God's perspective instead of my own. Whatever the reasoning, I think, unless something very drastic changes, I'd like to stay here and study if at all possible.
I think somewhere in the search for a great school I got caught up in the lie that I need to go to the best school possible or I won't be successful. But truthfully after I graduate, no matter where I go, I'm still only relying on the Lord to provide for me a job and a wife, and children, and the things that He wants me to have for His glory.
And praise the Lord, CSULB is a great school with a great ME program. I should have no shame of such a degree. But what if I leave and I miss seeing my sister start coming to church? What if I leave and i miss seeing a handful of my friends getting married. What if I leave and Mackenzie and Lacey don't have anyone to read them "Little House on the Prarie" anymore? What if I leave so that I can get what I want, and miss so many ways that God has given me to bless His kingdom right here in Long Beach? What if I leave and my Aunt Charleen passes away?
I love this city. I love Bethany. I love Pursuit. And I love my family. If I can study and live and love and continue to really grow in the Lord with all those things surrounding me, then I will. Not because I'm afraid or scared or timid, or worried; but because sooner or later I have to grow up and start living as a man who is not obsessed with his own glory, but as a man who is obsessed with the glory of God.
