More Than a Conqueror

So looking back at a post in October, I recognized somewhat of a pattern in my life. I guess I should be more specific. I've recognized a good pattern in my life. It's far too easy for me to see all the poor patterns, creature comforts, or addictions that I conform to in everyday life. But out of what seems to be nowhere, I'm seeing something that I've never seen before.

Back during last summer I thought for sure that I was going to transfer to a 4 year university somewhere in the mid-west and study engineering there before coming home and finding a job. My dad was encouraging it, and I thought for sure it was the best idea for me to have the best career. But as the fall semester started moving along, that passion for having the best career and going to the best school and making the most money just started to become unappealing to me. I didn't understand it at the time but I really struggled with my course-load through October and November.

There was, however, proof of some amazing insight that I had on October 3rd 2010, and I wrote it here: http://perseveranceotsaints.blogspot.com/2010/10/growing-up.html. And after that I found that my heart was drawn more and more towards CSULB, and towards my friends and family in Long Beach. Particularly those friends that I had made at Bethany.

The miracle that I believe occurred was me applying and getting into CSULB for the Spring semester. I mean I didn't think my grades were good enough for the engineering program, I applied at the last minute, I wouldn't have known about it if God hadn't provided a counselor to tell me to apply that very day, and I would have applied to a bunch of other schools, wasting hundreds of dollars in app fees had I not been directed by the Lord to log onto "mycsulb" and notice that I was accepted to the university on the very same night when I was planning on sending out those other applications.

So here I am, wisdom teeth gone, and one more week of work and freedom left before starting classes at CSULB, and I can't say that there is any part of me that deserves credit for where I'm at today. Don't get me wrong, it brings tears to my eyes to hear my mother tell me how proud of me she is, but I didn't do this. If anything, I failed, and failed, and then failed some more. But despite all my failures, despite all my problems, God has provided for me. Not because I wanted Him to, or because he wants me to make a lot of money, but to show how awesome He is.

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly places with every spiritual blessing." - Ephesians 1:3

I do not see my glory, I see only the glory of a holy, perfect, and righteous God. Only He would know how happy this would make me. Only He would know how to bring my heart to its knees. Only He knows my inner parts, for he has known me from the beginning of time, before the foundations of the earth.

So what is this pattern I speak of? Simply that God takes care of me. When I was in high school, he saved me from an LSD overdose; when I was playing the part in a bad relationship, He pulled me away from my sin and set my eyes on His throne; He showed me the poorest of the poor in eastern africa. He showed me broken families, refugees from war torn villages, children who were once soldiers; forced to kill their parents and watch their siblings be raped. He opened up his word and showed me the true gospel. He showed me that his hand is more tender towards the failures of this world than to the self-esteemed righteous ones. He took me out of debt and brought me back to school. He saved my father's soul and now we talk about His Son regularly. He brought me to Bethany and taught me to lead others. He is good, my Lord, my Shepherd, my first love, and He continues to love me and drag me back to my knees again and again in repentance to pursue a loving God who has pursued me through all my failures and wrongdoings.

And all this so that I can look back on my life and say without a doubt that the only consistently good thing in my life since I was born has been the providence of God. It amazes me that some (particularly those that follow a pelagian or semi-pelagian view of scripture) would argue that God is not absolutely sovereign over all things. I see no way to deny that God, through his providence, has not made all these things to happen for His glory. I see no way to deny my election into the Kingdom of God, and I see no reason that I would want to. For this pattern to cease would be my death, but life is waiting for me, life everlasting. To live forever with the one who sustains me and draws me closer to Him. And so now draw me closer O God! And have me to follow all the more. I am yours and you are mine. Forever will I worship, forever will I praise Your holy name! Amen! Amen! Amen!

may Your name...

It is easy to be angry. It is easy to speak in riddles, to laugh and curse and jest in ways that seem to comfort. But no comfort is found in evil words or evil thoughts. And my frustration leads to no greater a sin than that which is committed against me. How easy is loneliness to breach my heart when hurt falls so sudden. And how sullen is my face, even in the light of such great promises. "I will never leave you nor forsake you..." the words whisper through my head and the holiness of the Most High is known even in the darkest corners of the earth. "Day unto day utters speech, and night unto night shows knowledge." What can I say to a God whose name is to be hallowed above all other names? How can I be angry, how can I be so self-righteous?

And yet still, anger is easy. It's much easier than love, as the Switchfoot song says, to fall to the devices of man; to turn to creature comforts rather than the might of a loving Father. What blessing can i justify for myself that I can hold so bleakly out of the reach of my brothers and sisters? Oh and should I play favorites? To accept the burden of pleasing some at the expense of my calling? And what does argument do except intensify my love of my own pride, my own position.

"No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us." So do I have any right to my anger? No, let my tears be great and my mourning increase for my sins are terrible. Indeed, let there be forgiveness on my lips as my King has first forgiven me. Let me then, forgive those in my midst, and I pray they would forgive me. Oh that Your name would be known, O LORD!!! And may your love be shown. For there is no love without sacrifice, and there is no sacrifice without burden. So teach me to carry the cross that you have for me to carry, and leave me not to carry it hence alone. But rather as your name is blessed in my soul, give me strength to bless your name to those whom You love. That I may love them also. And remove, O LORD, the sin from my heart. Replace my heart of stone with a heart of flesh. Renew within me a new heart, a heart of love, of joy, of peace, of patience, and continued perseverance for Your name to be lifted high.

O LORD, may Your name be lifted high.

                      May Your name be lifted high!