Gift of God

Life is a blur. It's been a year and a quarter since my eyes were last opened to seeing clearly in a way that inspired me to change, and now I feel I've digressed so much that there will be no way to return to that way of thinking. My mind is like mush. I've chosen to forget, to silence my heart. I'm through taking risks and trying hard. I want to be done. But at the same time, I don't. This life is so unsatisfying. I feel I've heard every argument, read every book, turned every page, but I haven't.  I'm so young and so full of potential, but my potential decreases each day that I stay stagnant. And I am staying stagnant. I don't know a way around that. I don't know how to get past it. I need help, but I don't know where to go. I am so lazy. I'm not even tempted. Instead I torment myself. There's no need to succeed because I've already failed. Everything I've done, I've done to make my life easier and more enjoyable. But I've lost my concept and perception of reality. I am far from happy. I am far from joyful. I have forgotten my God. Forgotten love. I know what is right, yet I run from it. The more I know, the more I desire, and the more I see truth, the more I want to run away from recognizing it in my own life. But the bars are starting to close in on me. The ball and chain weigh heavier than ever. The cage walls are pressing in all around so much so that if something doesn't change I will go mad. It steals my breath to think of staying here. Stuck. I feel there needs to be change. Earth-shattering change. I wrote the following a while back:

"Was it not only the blood of the martyrs that seals this truth? But much more: the blood of Christ. For we are aliens in this land, though our hearts have been worn thin by our selfishness. We have forgotten the blood of the cross. We have forgotten the inheritance that we are granted by Christ's awesome work. We are foreigners, yet we publish the reason unto death by coexistence and niceties that use so called wisdom to make it easier to be a Christian while living here. But we have not been called to be pacifists, rather our calling is violent for the sake of knowing Christ. Therefore we will in fact cut off those things which enable us to death. We set aside the world and put on the armor of God, with which we do war for the proclamation of the gospel. And it is an offensive thing that we do. For our souls are caught in defense, not of our well being, but of the gospel, where our savior was killed for our sakes. It is too often that we will pander to a belief that we can enjoy this world while also enjoying Christ. But do we not see that a luxury without cost does not bring joy, and it's ramifications do not bring peace? Rather we live unsettled with the presence of wonderful things because deep down we know the faith that dwells in us to prosper the gospel will only take joy in the Lord! And so for this we must become violent, not as murderers, but as souls striving to take our place among the annals of saints who have come before us. Through fire and trials they have marched to the flames and to torture singing hymns and lauding praise to God most high! For though I die, though I am reviled, though I am indeed hated by this world, I am redeemed in the next. So remember when tempted by the tortuous ways of this sinful world to hold onto those things that tie you to this mortal plane, that no matter what you do,  Christ is Lord and He bids thee come and die."

I read this and realize that I haven't wanted to own up to having written this. I have been so stuck that even these words did not convince me to change. Yet here in my brokenness I see that all I have done is forced myself to run from something that I will have to address sooner or later. And addressing it will be painful. I love the pleasures of this life. It's true, I do. But they do much less than satisfy. They may keep me from hunger or thirst for a time, but at the end of the day I am still an empty vessel that needs to be filled. And I think that such pleasures are the only things in life that can fill me. But alas, they cannot. So the question is: how am I filled? What do I do?

There is a story in scripture of one who is thirsty, a woman who comes to draw water from a well. The imagery in John 4:7-15 is almost perfectly analogous to this predicament of mine. Here a woman who is an adulteress who has had 5 husbands and is currently seeing a man who she is not married to comes to draw water from a well. Jesus asks her for a glass of her water and she finds it odd that a Jew would ask a Samaritan for water. If we understand their culture at all, the Jews considered themselves to be of a higher class than the Samaritans, so she is right in her concern. But Jesus turns this question on her and makes her think, saying that she should be the one asking Him for water. And here's where the analogy works: Jesus is challenging the woman to draw water for him that will quench His thirst, but water from a pagan culture cannot quench thirst. This water becomes an analogy for sin, while His water becomes an analogy for faith.

Now she is stubborn to accept this at first because He is a Jew and there is an issue of where is the best place to worship. But Jesus, being more concerned with her soul tells her how there is a time coming and is already here where the true worshipers will worship in Spirit and in truth (cv. 23). But I don't want this issue of where it is right to worship to distract from my point. Its purpose in Scripture is so that we will understand true worship. But it is also here to show us that the faith that leads to true worship only comes from one source: namely Jesus.

And in looking more closely at Jesus' question back in verse ten, it is a conditional question! He doesn't say simply: Ask me and I will give you living water. But He says "If, you knew the gift of God, and who it is saying to you, 'Give me a drink,' you would have asked him, and he would have given you living water." This means that before you can even ask for water, you have to first know the "gift of God." What is this "gift of God" and why is it so important to know it before being able to ask for living water?

Well the first verse that comes to mind is Ephesians 2:8 where the apostle Paul writes: "For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing, it is the gift of God." Certainly there are many gifts that God gives to His chosen people but there is one that stand out above all of them. It is identified here with the determinate article "the" making the implication that of this magnitude of gifts of God, there is but one. Let me say this a different way. There is a gift of God that stands above all the rest, it is the gift of salvation (or grace through faith). It is, by far, the greatest gift ever given to God's elect, and it is not something we can take, rather it is a gift.

What Jesus is saying is simple: if you know what the gift of God is, you will not hesitate to ask for it. Have you ever spoiled a gift for someone? What happens when they find out what it is? They want their gift don't they? Especially if it is a great gift, then they want it all the more. When we sneak a peek in the bag or look under the wrapping just enough to know what our gift is, all our anticipations melt away and we are left with nothing less than a desire for that which we know we will ultimately receive. But if, when we sneak a peak, we see the greatest gift that we have ever beheld. Our joy becomes too much and we have to run to the gift giver and ask for it immediately.

And this is the greatness of the gift that Jesus is talking about. This "living water" once drunk, quenches thirst so well that you need never drink it again. In fact He says: "The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life" (cv. 14). In hearing this statement the woman is amazed, intrigued and astounded. And to be honest you would be too.

See the analogy of Jesus' water is faith, but the analogy of the water of the well is sin. Sin will always leave you thirsty again. And this woman starts having a crisis of faith because she's starting to realize during this conversation that she's been trying to fill her thirst of life in everything that she does. Her entire life has been one of searching for some type of fulfillment and purpose, but all she has found is that the more you strive for the waters of sin, the more they taste like death. So when she is told that this man will offer her spiritual water that is so satisfying that she will never have to search in vain again for it. She has a small moment of faith. She humbles herself, knowing now the gift of God and asks "Sir, give me this water, so that I will not be thirsty or have to come here to draw water" (cv. 15).

In a sense she is being naive still thinking that it might be physical water that Jesus is talking about. But even in her naivety the words are profound and the writer, John, knows it. See this is now for us to know and to ask. This is something we all go through as we become Christians. The gift of God has been made known so that we who ask may receive it. Why? So that we don't have to go out and draw the water of death any longer. Now we may try, and certainly, that's where I've been for some time now. But I am a saint of God and deep down I know the difference. And while I have certainly tried to go back to my old ways to be filled, God has always been by my side with a glass of living water urging me to drink.

I do not understand the full permissive will of God, and I doubt this life will ever reveal it to me. But I know that it is worth becoming violent in my heart to turn my back from constantly drawing water that leads to death, and drink instead, the satisfying water that wells up into a spring of eternal life. I know that I will often fail, but it is when I am at my weakest that I know I'll see God for His strongest.

Through Storm and Gale

I had a heart, that tore asunder.
My bleeding wills brought senseless blunders
Yet while I sin, yet while i wail,
You raise the sail, through storm and gale.


there I go when I walk
to silence evil talk
to make the red sea drown
the burdens that have bound
inside the walls of fear
that take these simple tears
and blame them on the ears that cannot hear

though the moment seems alarming
vanity is charming
and through the curse disarming
to the core of what is harming
a faith that's metered out
in metronome display
where the constant is a beggar in the fray

now the music of the night
sounds like magic to my plight
as I push the distant dreams
into sanity's obscene
dark corridor of grievances
as greed and power balances
the madness as I trample under foot

and the good and bad alike
tend to blend in my new spite
and my friends become well chosen
till the choice is of exclusion
so my sight turns bleaker
and the weak become weaker
it's wrong but I don't know it till it kills


I had a heart, that tore asunder.
My bleeding wills brought senseless blunders
Yet while I sin, yet while i wail,
You raise the sail, through storm and gale.


now the madness overtaken
as blood for this perdition
has made itself uncertain
of how to raise the curtain
on all the joy in life
and the funeral's respite
to take away the horror of this curse

but the demon wants to stay
like a child it wants to play
to run into the places
where the Holy Spirit chases
and the devil seems content
to make easy my lament
as a stoic in the doubter's game of waste

but if I doubt that I am thinking
then I'm thinking of the doubting
and by rights that makes me wrong
if I doubt that I am strong
for the Father makes quite clear
how the Son will soon appear
to be the judge of every action in my being

but more than perfect justice
He shall swarm me with forgiveness
when belief becomes my witness:
His blood takes away my sickness
and the tears that will be shed
are wiped away by he who bled
and whispers "Well done, thou good and faithful servant!"


I had a heart, that tore asunder.
my bleeding wills brought senseless blunders
yet while I sin, yet while i wail,
You raise the sail, through storm and gale.

Forgiveness

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e23fo2NkDu0

"If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness."

- 1 John 1:8-9

Do you understand what forgiveness is? I mean, if you are a Christian and you consider yourself a member of the body of Christ, do you really understand what it means to be forgiven? We often come before God as a sinner and a failure and pour out our hearts of shame before him and yet still feel guilty. We repent, and then repent and often repent for the same sin over and over again thinking that we need to repent numerous times in order to be forgiven. But the bible says in 1 John that though no man is without sin (for if we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us), that God removes the stains of sin from our corrupted souls (but if we confess our sins He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness)

It's interesting to me that he doesn't stop with forgiveness in this passage, as if when God forgives it is something less than a full cleansing. But to make it sure, and fully sure, that we understand the scope of His forgiveness, the writer goes back to the Psalm where King David repents after committing adultery with Bathsheba and killing her husband Uriah. Where he uses the word clean to describe the way God deals with the repentant sinner's heart: "Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin!" (Ps. 51:2) "Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean; wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow." (Ps. 51:7) and "Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me." (Ps. 51:10)

What the psalmist desires is not merely forgiveness from God, His prayer is for righteousness. David knows the true heart of God: that God is so Holy that David cannot stand in God's presence with his sin. So his repentance becomes one of asking for cleansing, even if it is a painful cleansing (purge me with hyssop), so that he will no longer be removed from the presence of the Lord.

And so this is the promise being fulfilled in the new testament by a new covenant where now we are cleansed and made righteous by the blood of Christ. For Jesus did not merely endure the scouring of hyssop, but rather the torture and sentence of death on the cross. And so do we get this? Do we really understand what it means to be called righteous? Can it be somehow understood that all our sins were nailed to that tree so that we are not just forgiven, but completely clean? It's not just that God looks at our sinful state and says, "It's ok, I'll accept you anyways."  But rather, through our repentance -- which only comes by faith, which only comes by grace from God, through the cross of Christ, not by any of our works, or of the law (for if righteousness could be gained through the law then Christ died in vain) -- God says to the miserable, broken and weary sinner: "YOU ARE RIGHTEOUS."

To say that God says any less would be to deny the power of Christ's sacrifice. In fact if you're repenting more than once for any one sin, then that is not faith, that's a lack of faith and you need to repent of that. But even if you failed to repent of every missed deed, you would still be counted righteous, for it is not the action of repentance that chooses God, but it is the action of Jesus on the cross and His resurrection that provides you with faith. And so even the very sinful shall pass through the fires of death unscathed, though purged to glory, and by faith unto resurrection, as long as they abide in Christ. And such an action of abiding requires no work at all, for God foreknew before the beginning of time who He would predestine to repentance. That the elect of God would be called Saints, set apart for the purposes of God. Forgiven, and eternally cleansed so that we share no longer in the shame of our former ways, but in the promise of eternal glory in Jesus Christ, our Lord.

Amen! Amen! Amen!

     "Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.  

     For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die— but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Since, therefore, we have now been justified by his blood, much more shall we be saved by him from the wrath of God. For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by his life. More than that, we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation."

- Romans 5:1-11

New Life

Goodbye old friends who still live with the flesh, I love you, but I cannot be with you now, for I am living for the King. Stop living in your former ways, take up your cross and follow Jesus. Believe and take comfort O weary wanderer. Repent and be baptized sinner, for there is victory!

Opposable Thumbs

So lately I’ve found a new way to express my depravity, and while it may seem miniscule in scope and consequence on the surface, it has both short term and long term consequences that play out quite terribly for God and my-self.  The sin is self-confidence.  And while I will defend to the death our necessity to have confidence in certain situations, and especially to be able to express ourselves to one another with assertion rather than aggression, the bottom line is that self-confidence is born of pride.  The only confidence we should have is in Christ, and we will get to that as I digress.

I will say that it has been nice being so confident in oneself for a change (as I feel I’m generally falling in and out of depression), but the reliance of sin for such a long season of my life makes two weeks of self-confidence kind of useless.  I know the passages that urge me to give myself to Jesus and to Jesus alone, but they aren’t really written on my heart.  So when push comes to shove, my thoughts dwell on how I can manufacture sin without being judged for it.  I really am only pushing the boundaries of sociopathy where my true desires come out in my anger.  In truth, I’m relying on myself and not on God, so I put life on hold so that I can try to enjoy a small pleasure which ultimately means nothing.

Abhorrent to the characteristics of a loving God who calls me to righteousness and faithfully walking according to His commandments my whole life (2 John 1:6), my heart has not grown accustomed to the ways of God as it has rested in the ways of man.  The more I try, the more I lose, and the more plain my depravity is made to me.  But how is it then possible to contain my pride as I put away all these detestable practices that I once journeyed so far in participation?  I’m so happy for my A in my class or my advanced knowledge or reasoning or keeping my room clean or knowledge of scripture when I must understand that these are not things to be proud of any more than I should be proud that I have eyesight or opposable thumbs!

Would I go around proclaiming to the world, “Look! My thumbs oppose my fingers! Isn’t that sooooo cool!!!??? I can pick stuff up with only one hand! Look at me and respect me for I am fortuitous and grandiose in scope and amazement because I have opposable thumbs!”  Yes, you’re right, it’s ridiculous.  And so it is also ridiculous to act out of a new life (that which is given by God, claimed for perfection by Christ, and upheld by His Holy Spirit) and to boast of such deeds.  So you’re living better than before, you should have been living that way all along!  Why suddenly is it important to boast?  To say I have done well or that I deserve praise for doing what I have been able to do all along—but have not done because of my love for disobedience and my hatred towards God—is absurd.

It is Christ who has done well for me and the Lord of Hosts who gives me strength to do well for Him.  So what have I to boast in if not in the cross?  In fact, what can I boast in that is not the cross?  My tears turn me inward, and lead me to desiring satisfaction.  I have no companion to uphold my heart and satisfy my soul, so I try to glean it from self satisfaction and people’s praise.  Then my identity begins to be made by my accomplishments and good deeds.  But do I not see that it is God who has given me good deeds to do?  More than that, that he has predestined my path to walk in the manner of His good works (Eph. 2:10)!  So when I am acting according to His grace, who should be praised?  And whose identity should I take?  What reason to boast have I except in the cross of Christ?  Shall I shout it to the heavens till it is understood by all mankind?  There is none that is worthy of boasting beyond the Cross.  And even that act of sacrifice has been gifted to me beyond my own power.  Just as I never made my thumbs, so could I not possibly imagine how to reconcile my blackened heart before a Holy and righteous God.

Indeed I have lasted these long years waiting to see myself grow up and now that it is happening, I cannot attribute such success to myself.  I can only attribute such growth to God alone.  Let me therefore not fight Him and stand before Him in pride, somehow convinced that I should be praised for my righteous deeds.  Rather than self-confidence, I desire humility to suffer the embodiment of a servant.  Lead me to the cross to commit myself to becoming more and more a living sacrifice so that as I grow into a mature man of God you might bring my heart before you as a failure.

Indeed I count my maturity and righteousness as Christ’s; from Whom it was born and to Whom it gives praise, yet I am no more than a failure in so far as my disobedience and pride has continued (and even will continue) for far too long.  For I have fallen prey to the temptations of this world and have been to God as a son of disobedience (Rom. 11).  Even still I fall and see the darkened wretches of a burning soul.  But alas my soul has been awoken from the darkness by a power no man could uphold.  As does the voice of the meekest branch singing praise to the Lord Almighty resound louder, more powerful, and more beautiful than the most grandiose of branches singing praise to itself, so too does the one who cries out in failure—far above the one who is proud in his successes, seeking consolation in his own achievements—find peace and consolation in the tender arms of the Lord.

A Sick Flo Fo All My G's

See we be livin too much just to please the world

I wanna stop but then when all my sin is unfurled,

I feel I gotta do better, y’know I gotta fight harder

I feel like when I run I gotta finish what I started

But then is it all for God, or is it all for me?

Is my obedience born of love, or this old philosophy?

Where you work real hard and you push yourself to death

Then maybe by your own power have some joy in your steps

I gotta say man, it sounds a lot like Galatians

Where they tried to fix their brokenness with the yoke of circumcision

And maybe that’s what flesh is, not just sin and immorality,

But how we always try to use our good for immortality

I wanna do the best I can so God will view me as a man,

And by some act of greatness stand to function as my own I am?

But who am I to justify my sins before a Holy God?

Can any act of righteousness compare to Jesus on the cross

Second Corinthians five and twenty-one

Says that all my sins were placed upon God’s only Son.

But more than that it’s very clear

that all the reasons for my fears

Were drowned by Him who calls me dear

And washes away all my tears

So in Christ we are righteous, and adopted as sons!

Though my heart would try to tell me that my sins mean I’m done!

Done? I’m done with fightin’ God! Without whom I would fall apart,

Like fig leaves in the garden, they don’t cover up my broken heart

Despair, pain, shame and worry,

Runnin by my-self gets blurry

Until I fall from all that hurry

And shout that you alone are worthy!

Oh Jesus bring me back to you

Your cross is what makes me to move

Not my own life of righteousness,

but yours imputed on my sickness

Breaking down these walls I’ve barred up,

Taking all the sin that’s scarred up

Freeing me to do your will,

To breathe repentance at each ill

That you unhinge this sin and pride

And walk me through, till in your Son, I abide.

The Curious Case of John 15:16

Prayer. I'm curious. Do we know what it is? Do I know what it is? To pray to a Holy God? To the Holy God? Are we praying correctly? Is it enough to just "pray a lot"? I had a friend once tell me that he was praying a lot and nothing was happening. His situation was not changing. Of course many of you right now will say, "I know where you're going with this!" Of course we should not be praying for our situation to change but for our hearts to change, right? But is that what we do? I often find myself so jaded on the idea of prayer that I stop believing in its power. But Jesus says there is power in prayer, specifically for praying to the Father, in Jesus' name.

But let's examine that paragraph of text for a moment. You know the one in John 15 right after Jesus explains that He is the vine and His Father the vine-dresser? I'll put it in blockquotes so you can see it more easily:

"This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command you. No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you. You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit and that your fruit should abide, so that whatever you ask the Father in my name, he may give it to you. These things I command you, so that you will love one another." (John 15:12-17 ESV)

The first thing we should notice is that the reason that God even gives us a command is so that we would love one another as He loved us. And what kind of love is that? It's sacrificial love. And so if we are doing what Jesus commands, then we are what? Not servants, not slaves, but friends. And isn't it true that when you are striving with a friend for the same goal that you will not feel obligated to work together for the sake of that goal, but rather it is your joy to participate in reaching that goal with your friend? Is the line-man a slave to the quarterback (to use a football analogy)? Is the quarterback in servitude to the kicker? No, though their roles differ in size and scope, the proper use of their talents are necessary to win the game. And we know this because we rejoice equally in winning. Certainly there are players who will benefit more than others, but the team fights together to win because they all celebrate in winning together.

And this is how Jesus defines "friend" in this passage. Because we are working alongside Jesus in loving one another sacrificially as he has shown us to do, we are his friends, not his servants or slaves. So the work that we do for the Kingdom is not blind obedience because "...all that [Jeusus has] heard from [His] Father [He has] made known to [us]." Jesus makes known to us the will of God! We are not blind to the will of God, like the offensive line-man is not blind do the will of the team. Though often all he sees are the angry faces of the d-line, he is focused and determined because he is committed to the goal of the team. Similarly the Christian (though often he will only see the world and its sinfulness) is committed to the goals, workings, righteousness, and love of the Church for God's good purpose.

Think of the team as the church for a moment and Jesus as the head coach. First and foremost, the players do not choose their coach, the coach chooses them. We did not choose Jesus, he has chosen us. Secondly the players do not write the plays, the coach writes the plays. But here's where something really cool happens. The greatness of this coach, who is analogous to Jesus, doesn't sit down and write generic plays that are meant to be executed with a chance of success. Rather, this coach looks at his team, who are his friends because they come willingly for the coach's purpose, not their own, and he invents plays specifically designed  for each player so that they will succeed one hundred percent of the time.

Now there is no football team who can perform like this, but if we could imagine that such a team existed, it would be analogous to the church and the purposes of the church. Because Jesus looks at us, those of us who are no longer under the bondage of slavery, who have been chosen to be friends of God, and He knows our strengths and he knows our weaknesses, He knows our needs and our wants, He knows us inside and out, through and through. And since He is absolutely sovereign, God the Father writes the plays for the church. And each play is perfect, each having a 100% success rate. There is no "chance" in God's sovereignty. If there were chance then we would have a problem with existence. But since God exists, chance does not. And this is what Jesus means when he says that the fruit we bear should abide. It means that when we gain yardage on a play, we don't lose it. We don't give up that yardage because God sustains it. God keeps the church. God maintains His saints. We persevere because God makes us to!

And so we are Jesus' friends because he chose us to be a part of the church and to follow in His example of love so that we can bear fruit so that our fruit should abide so that "whatever [we] ask the Father in [Jesus'] name, he may give [us]." And here's where the prayer comes in. Because the line-man does not pray for a new car when he sets for the hike. He asks for strength to block who he needs to block. He asks for courage to stand His ground when the play gets rough. He asks for wisdom to make well informed quick decisions. He asks for endurance to make it through the quarter. He'll even ask God to be with His team-mates, to keep them fit for action and not wavering in their work for the team. If he stops looking to the prize, if he stops fighting, or if he starts working out of obligation instead of out of a common purpose with the coach, then the player will become fatigued and frustrated. He will fight his coach instead of the opposing team, he will bring others down with him, he will demoralize the team and without delay, the coach will see the lack of focus and insubordination and the coach will take him out.

Likewise, and here's where it gets rough, the Christian does not pray for a better situation. He does not pray that his living situation will change, he does not pray that some girl will like him, he does not pray that he can sin and get away with it. Rather the Christian prays for the armor of God.

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints, and also for me, that words may be given to me in opening my mouth boldly to proclaim the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains, that I may declare it boldly, as I ought to speak." (Ephesians 6:10-20 ESV)

 Note the extreme emphasis on spiritual warfare here. And when you get down to verse 18 where it says that we are to pray, it says more than just to pray a lot. It says to pray "...at all times in the Spirit ... with all prayer and supplication .... keep alert with all perseverance ... making supplication for all the saints." These four prepositional phrases give us the basic framework of whose authority we pray with and what we pray for: How often do we pray? Always. By whose authority? The Holy Spirit dwelling in us. For what purpose? So that we keep alert with all perseverance. For what do we pray? For all the saints; yourself, yes, but for the church as well.

Here's the big picture: Because we're chosen by God, we are to love others the way Christ loved us and gave himself up for us on the cross. And since God has given us this desire to love others, we have become a friend of God the Father through Jesus' death and resurrection. So we participate in the body of believers (that being the church) to bear fruit that will last. So when we pray we are praying for that very thing. Our prayers are for the eternal purposes of God, not for our immediate gratification. Often our prayers will just be to keep us focused on our eternal inheritance with Jesus, like the line-man focused on winning. It's when we stop praying for the Kingdom and start praying for ourselves that we become angry and frustrated with our situations. It is in these times where we bring the whole church down with our reviling and complaining. It is in these times that we fall into sin and God chooses to take us out of the game to discipline us so that we will be ready to go back in and be useful to God for His good purposes.

So now when we ask the Father for something in Jesus' name, we should be convinced that God will provide what we need. Notice when a pastor prays before he gives a message; he doesn't ask that people would be comfortable with His words. He does not ask for the time to go by quickly so he can eat lunch sooner. He doesn't beg God for something unless He is convinced by the Spirit that he or the congregation need it. What is it that the pastor will often pray for? He'll pray for humility to speak the words clearly, for the Holy Spirit to move the hearts of his parishioners, for grace in his teaching as he is not perfect at speaking, etc.... He prays for the things of the Kingdom! Remember, Jesus has shown us the will of God so we know, just as our pastor knows, what to pray for.

And this is how we should pray daily: Constantly repenting of our earthly desires, turning to let God put His armor on His saints, whom He has chosen to bear His good fruit, that He will persevere so that we may have the freedom to ask of the Father in the name of Christ, Jesus our Lord and Saviour, knowing that He has given us the power of the Holy Spirit to receive the gifts of the Kingdom for His good purpose. Amen. Amen. Amen.

More Than a Conqueror

So looking back at a post in October, I recognized somewhat of a pattern in my life. I guess I should be more specific. I've recognized a good pattern in my life. It's far too easy for me to see all the poor patterns, creature comforts, or addictions that I conform to in everyday life. But out of what seems to be nowhere, I'm seeing something that I've never seen before.

Back during last summer I thought for sure that I was going to transfer to a 4 year university somewhere in the mid-west and study engineering there before coming home and finding a job. My dad was encouraging it, and I thought for sure it was the best idea for me to have the best career. But as the fall semester started moving along, that passion for having the best career and going to the best school and making the most money just started to become unappealing to me. I didn't understand it at the time but I really struggled with my course-load through October and November.

There was, however, proof of some amazing insight that I had on October 3rd 2010, and I wrote it here: http://perseveranceotsaints.blogspot.com/2010/10/growing-up.html. And after that I found that my heart was drawn more and more towards CSULB, and towards my friends and family in Long Beach. Particularly those friends that I had made at Bethany.

The miracle that I believe occurred was me applying and getting into CSULB for the Spring semester. I mean I didn't think my grades were good enough for the engineering program, I applied at the last minute, I wouldn't have known about it if God hadn't provided a counselor to tell me to apply that very day, and I would have applied to a bunch of other schools, wasting hundreds of dollars in app fees had I not been directed by the Lord to log onto "mycsulb" and notice that I was accepted to the university on the very same night when I was planning on sending out those other applications.

So here I am, wisdom teeth gone, and one more week of work and freedom left before starting classes at CSULB, and I can't say that there is any part of me that deserves credit for where I'm at today. Don't get me wrong, it brings tears to my eyes to hear my mother tell me how proud of me she is, but I didn't do this. If anything, I failed, and failed, and then failed some more. But despite all my failures, despite all my problems, God has provided for me. Not because I wanted Him to, or because he wants me to make a lot of money, but to show how awesome He is.

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly places with every spiritual blessing." - Ephesians 1:3

I do not see my glory, I see only the glory of a holy, perfect, and righteous God. Only He would know how happy this would make me. Only He would know how to bring my heart to its knees. Only He knows my inner parts, for he has known me from the beginning of time, before the foundations of the earth.

So what is this pattern I speak of? Simply that God takes care of me. When I was in high school, he saved me from an LSD overdose; when I was playing the part in a bad relationship, He pulled me away from my sin and set my eyes on His throne; He showed me the poorest of the poor in eastern africa. He showed me broken families, refugees from war torn villages, children who were once soldiers; forced to kill their parents and watch their siblings be raped. He opened up his word and showed me the true gospel. He showed me that his hand is more tender towards the failures of this world than to the self-esteemed righteous ones. He took me out of debt and brought me back to school. He saved my father's soul and now we talk about His Son regularly. He brought me to Bethany and taught me to lead others. He is good, my Lord, my Shepherd, my first love, and He continues to love me and drag me back to my knees again and again in repentance to pursue a loving God who has pursued me through all my failures and wrongdoings.

And all this so that I can look back on my life and say without a doubt that the only consistently good thing in my life since I was born has been the providence of God. It amazes me that some (particularly those that follow a pelagian or semi-pelagian view of scripture) would argue that God is not absolutely sovereign over all things. I see no way to deny that God, through his providence, has not made all these things to happen for His glory. I see no way to deny my election into the Kingdom of God, and I see no reason that I would want to. For this pattern to cease would be my death, but life is waiting for me, life everlasting. To live forever with the one who sustains me and draws me closer to Him. And so now draw me closer O God! And have me to follow all the more. I am yours and you are mine. Forever will I worship, forever will I praise Your holy name! Amen! Amen! Amen!

may Your name...

It is easy to be angry. It is easy to speak in riddles, to laugh and curse and jest in ways that seem to comfort. But no comfort is found in evil words or evil thoughts. And my frustration leads to no greater a sin than that which is committed against me. How easy is loneliness to breach my heart when hurt falls so sudden. And how sullen is my face, even in the light of such great promises. "I will never leave you nor forsake you..." the words whisper through my head and the holiness of the Most High is known even in the darkest corners of the earth. "Day unto day utters speech, and night unto night shows knowledge." What can I say to a God whose name is to be hallowed above all other names? How can I be angry, how can I be so self-righteous?

And yet still, anger is easy. It's much easier than love, as the Switchfoot song says, to fall to the devices of man; to turn to creature comforts rather than the might of a loving Father. What blessing can i justify for myself that I can hold so bleakly out of the reach of my brothers and sisters? Oh and should I play favorites? To accept the burden of pleasing some at the expense of my calling? And what does argument do except intensify my love of my own pride, my own position.

"No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us." So do I have any right to my anger? No, let my tears be great and my mourning increase for my sins are terrible. Indeed, let there be forgiveness on my lips as my King has first forgiven me. Let me then, forgive those in my midst, and I pray they would forgive me. Oh that Your name would be known, O LORD!!! And may your love be shown. For there is no love without sacrifice, and there is no sacrifice without burden. So teach me to carry the cross that you have for me to carry, and leave me not to carry it hence alone. But rather as your name is blessed in my soul, give me strength to bless your name to those whom You love. That I may love them also. And remove, O LORD, the sin from my heart. Replace my heart of stone with a heart of flesh. Renew within me a new heart, a heart of love, of joy, of peace, of patience, and continued perseverance for Your name to be lifted high.

O LORD, may Your name be lifted high.

                      May Your name be lifted high!